Loss of life

I was 6. My first experience in loss of life. My mom was pregnant with baby "b" and I was excited. Then I remember my parents sadness coming over our home.
One day my Gamma came over to watch me and my brother and sister while my parents went out. They came home and baby brian was gone. The grief overtook my mom. My dad was so sad as well.

I was 10. My Papa Howard had been in and out of the hospital, a few times if I remember right. We went over to see him and he looked different. Tired.
One night after struggling through my math homework with dad, he shared with me that Papa Howard had died that day. It was the first time I remember seeing my dad cry.
I hugged him tight and insisted on going to the viewing, although my parents didn't think I was old enough to go. I loved my Papa Howard.
At the viewing I didn't end up going into the viewing room after my dad told me to remember him in my memories.
At the funeral I remember being very upset that my 6 year old sister fell asleep. How could she be so insensitive? but she didn't know.

In high school one of my best friend's father passed away. My friends and I sang at his memorial service. I felt so sad for my friend and couldn't imagine what it must feel like to lose a parent.
During those 4 years many high school classmates would lose a parent.

I am now in my 29th year of life. My Gampy passed away a few weeks before Christmas. He had suffered from Alzheimer's disease for many, many years. His health had declined significantly and he required full-time care. We had a chance to say our good-byes and had prepared for his death.
He had accepted Jesus into his heart and I felt peace at last when he passed. He no longer had to struggle against an unwilling body and confused mind here on earth.
He is free and has clarity with Jesus.
My Papa Robbins passed away this morning. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in January 2011 and was given 2 months to live. My husband and I moved away that month. We said our good-byes to him at his home before we moved.
In June we visited for our baby shower and saw him once again. Said our good-byes.
In November I took my newborn daughter to visit him. He met his first and only great-grandchild and was teary-eyed holding her.
At Christmas we saw him and he held her once more. His speech was filled with stutters and it was difficult for him to walk. This time, he said his good-byes. He stuttered to find the words to say that he loved me. that he would miss me.
This last week I spoke with him a few times on the phone. We caught up on life between stutters with a few sentences. said we loved one another. said our final good-byes.
and now he is gone.

Loss of life comes with a flood of memories. In the quiet stillness, if you allow them, they will come.
Memories of Big Red gum which I never really liked but still he offered it freely. along with a quarter.
memories of him popping out his dentures and trying to put them in our mouths as we ran away squealing.
easter egg hunts in the backyard.
memories of walking with him to McDonald's and his patience as I sought to discover what made the hands of the giant moon-head move to play the piano.
thankful for his gracious acceptance of my husband into the family when so many others were skeptical.
and some negative....some hurts...
the rejection.
the abuse.
the disapproval.
the manipulation.
the guilt.

how do you cope with the loss of life in a flood of memories?
some would say to hold on to the positive memories and let the rest fall away. but then you have eliminated reality.

thank you for the cross Lord. thank you for your grace that covers all sin and hurt and shame. thank you for being a God of restoration and healing. thank you for being a God of comfort, who wipes away tears.

Breaking Free

I'm beginning a journey through the Breaking Free series by Beth Moore. I'm going to use my blog as a place to journal thoughts, write quotations and see where God works.
So first things first! A definition of captivity:
A Christian is held captive by anything that hinders the abundant and effective Spirit-filled life God planned for her.

Alternative living...

For two weeks now I have been in the Word daily...sadly, yes, it's been awhile since I've been consistent and yet God is never-changing and so very faithful! I am so excited to share how God has been speaking to me these last two weeks....now that I'm actually listening. How much have I been missing out by not spending time with Him?
Our local church body is doing a series on Alternative Lifestyle and indeed has God been challenging me to such! For one, He is calling me to unity. It is through unity that the world will see and believe that Jesus is God and that He loves them, so says the Word.
Unfortunately I have not been promoting unity for quite a few years now. :( Ever since my dad got married 7 years ago I have not been accepting of his wife's children. Rather I have been seeking justification in my choice to view them as invaders, unwanted in my life and family and my choice to treat them with disdain and little regard. :( So sad...
Well God has basically been saying 'enough of this' for awhile, but I haven't been listening. He's pretty much done with it and I am tired of fighting. Plus I want God's fullness! He promises His fullness for those who are willing to mature and stop acting like infants!
Whew! Having an infant, I can relate! She is ALL about instant gratification, no patience and no regard for the interests of others. And no one expects her to - she's an infant!
Well, at 28 years old it's high time I stop acting like an infant and mature!
SO - alternative lifestyle is that which involves me accepting and even loving my step-family. The world doesn't expect this of me. For the man that my mom is marrying later this year, I must be accepting and loving. For the man that my mother-in-law married suddenly last year, I must be accepting and loving. For my father-in-law's live-in girlfriend, I must be accepting and loving. And most of all, for my step-brother and step-sister, I must be accepting and loving.
God, give me Your eyes to see them? Accept them into my family. Love them and seek the interests of others above my own.
Unity. The world doesn't expect unity out of a broken family such as mine. Such as my husband's.
The world doesn't expect me to allow these people to be aunties, uncles, and grandparents to my daughter.
The world would completely understand if I shunned them from my life - put up walls around my little family and limited my love to only those I deem "worthy".
But Jesus asks more. Those to whom much has been given, much will be expected.
I'm amazed at God's love for me - even though I directly hurt Him and turned my back on Him and sought other lovers.
Have these people done things to hurt me? Some, yes. But not to the extent that I have hurt God. And yet He forgives me, extends His grace to me and draws me near as His beloved.
Oh Lord, please give me that same love for others.

Newly inspired to blog

I was encouraged by a friend of mine to read The Wiegand's blog, where I received some inspiration to blog once again. The link to my inspiration is http://www.thewiegands.com/2011/09/no-more-apologies.html
The specific quote and what I want my blog to be about as well is

"I wanted (and still do) this to be a blog/ a place of inspiration, uplift, joy...but also truth. Because life is hard.

A lot of us have been through some seriously icky stuff.

And so I wanted this also to be "real".

It's easy to take beautiful family photos and pretend to have it all together-but who does that help?

Then Rachel (who blogs here) said this...

"To be taken seriously, I must realize the seriousness of blogging.

Not in a "I take myself very seriously" type of way at all. More in the way that you realize the importance of the words, the faith and the beliefs that you hold.

I have a responsibility and far reaching arms when I share my words and

so

do

you.

Use your blog, your words and your person to share the Lord (and your heart) with others.

They desperately need to hear your story as much as you need to hear theirs.

Be serious. Be passionate and Be you."

Use your voice. No apologies.

We are all different and have been through different things, believe different things.... but whoever you are there is SOMEONE you can touch with your story.

Don't hold onto it."

 

 

I want to share my story....

 

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