Today was one of those days. Lately "those days" have been happening quite often.
In my family we try not to use the term "terrible twos" but rather use "trying twos"...and oh how trying they are!
One second she is sweet and picking me flowers, singing songs and twirling in her princess dresses feeling like the most beautiful girl in the world...
And the next she is thrashing her head around, screaming, stamping her foot and expressing her upset feelings when she doesn't get what she wants or when she hears the word "no".
YIKES!
Today brought me to tears. And looking back it really was over something quite silly. But it was the needle on the haystack of these long days in which each contains a tantrum (or two or three).
Today I was going through her clothes, organizing them as we try to make room in her closet to share with baby-to-come. First mistake was mine. I should know better. I DO know better than to try and go through her clothes with her right there!
So we've been given an assortment of clothes that are MUCH too big for her, but of course she sees the size 5/6 red dress with white polka dots on it and wants to wear it immediately.
Ordinarily I wouldn't care. We're just at home. It's not a huge deal if she prances around the house in a dress that is enormous on her, right?
But my mind was set on organizing. And I simply wanted to put away the too-big clothes and be done with that task.
And so I said "No."
And she decided she didn't like my answer and was going to choose to put it on anyways.
*Sigh
This is what my husband and I are SO. DANG. TIRED. OF!
The defiance. The disobedience. The complete disregard of our instructions.
These are the trying things.
And we're exhausted!
Ultimately each and every day ends with these battles. When she wants to do one thing and we want another.
Now I should say that I am not, nor do I ever want to be a dictator in my child's life. I do not want her to do what I say just because I say so. I want her to make her own choices and use her brain. But I want her to make good choices.
In this case, yes it doesn't come down to whether wearing a dress too-big is right or wrong. But rather that her choice to disobey my instruction.
We try hard to be gentle parents and guide her to make good choices. We try very hard not to spank or shame her into submission. We deliberately don't put responsibility for our feelings on our child.
But I'm kind of at a loss.
Today all I could do was tell her that I was upset that she chose to disobey me and that I needed to be alone. (Inside I was fuming and wanting to cry and hit a wall all at the same time. To be openly defied pissed me off!)
I tried to go into my room and organize my own closet, meanwhile she's pounding at the door, crying and asking me if I like her, if I think she's pretty. It was breaking my heart. She kept following me around the house (not giving me my alone-time!) asking if I was her friend, if I like her. And all I could say is I was upset with her choice.
I told her I love her. And that's all I can do! I'm at my end.
I am crying out to God as I don't know what to do! How to be a parent in this time.
(And yes, I recognize that my pregnancy hormones are contributing and not really helping!)
I don't have an answer.
But I do know that my daughter knew how upset I was. She went and pulled one of her chairs aside, sat in it and asked me to set the timer for her to sit in time-out!
That shows how ticked I was/am. Now I'm just a wretch. I turned on Winnie-the-Pooh so I could write this blog and get some of my feelings out.
I guess I'm hoping that God will provide some answer or wisdom for me from those of you who've been there or discovered how to best embrace this season?
Thursday, March 27, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Paleo & Pregnant
After our home visitor left my nausea mostly disappeared, which I hypothesize had to do with what I was eating. We returned to our paleo way of eating - fruits, veggies, nuts & meat and I felt normal and healthy again, with my only pregnancy symptom being slight fatigue and soreness when toddler girl nurses.
Now I'm down to feeling queasy only after I take my vitamins, but I can deal with that!
This past weekend was exciting as we met with our midwife, Jessica (or at least I hope will be our midwife!). She is amazing and hubby and I both have such confidence in her! Today at my La Leche League meeting I met two others who delivered or are about to deliver with Jessica and they love her! We got to hear the baby's heartbeat for a split second, but I guess baby is so far down near my cervix that we couldn't get it for long. Next time!
Otherwise we're just trudging along here! We got our chair all set up in our bedroom and have begun the process of having our toddler sleep in her own bed next to ours. Boy! Is that a challenge! She fights it with everything in her. I can't blame her, as our bed is all she's ever known for 2.5 years! Now we're saying it's not her bed anymore - which must be a bit confusing for her. She has begun to start the night off in her bed but then crawls in with me in the middle of the night. It's a difficult process for me. I don't want her to feel shunned, but I do want this transition to happen before the baby comes, because I think those feelings of being an outsider will be even stronger if she hasn't accepted her new sleeping place and then the new baby takes her place in our bed.
These are the hard times in parenting when one needs to be firm but loving. She is truly testing our boundaries.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Holy Hormones!
Here's our 31 month old daughter holding up a blueberry to my tummy at 7 weeks. She's so excited!
Nausea has become a bittersweet companion during these last few weeks. Over the past few days however the lovely term "bionic fatigue" joined in on the party. This is a crippling tiredness where you cannot bear to keep your eyes open and your body just shuts down in sleep. Over the weekend it worked out okay as my loving and supportive husband took our daughter out for awhile and gave me the blessed gift of a nap! It was wonderful and totally altered my outlook on life. They returned to a refreshed and rejuvenated mama - oh how I needed that uninterrupted rest!
Yesterday however our daughter decided to boycott her nap for the day...right when I desperately needed one! I do believe I snuck in a few minutes of shut-eye when I turned on a movie for her, but of course she was in my face every few minutes trying to awaken me with "true loves kisses." Not quite the same.
Last night we all headed to bed early and this morning I woke somewhat rested - as much as one can be when they are awoken at least 3 times during the night by a toddler. And yet my bittersweet friend was nowhere to be found.
I ate a banana, took my vitamins with orange juice, which usually triggers the queasy feeling...and nothing.
So admittedly I started freaking out. Have I had any cramping? No. Any bleeding? No. Other than my incredibly sore nipples when my daughter nursed this morning, I felt normal. Which scares the life out of me.
I made eggs for myself and ate them without any aversions. I made my daughter an egg and a hot dog. Feeling completely normal.
So I started crying. Crying and praying and asking for prayer. I realize that I have a deep-seeded fear that I am going to lose this baby. Or that something major will be wrong with this baby. As much as I seem fine and happy on the surface, deep down I'm fearful. There are these voices in my head telling me that I don't deserve another healthy child. That those who love God and follow after Him will encounter hardships and I guess I'm just waiting for the anvil to drop.
When is it my turn? When will I be struck with miscarriage or infertility or cancer or death of someone close to me? Yes I had a somewhat difficult childhood and my parents divorced. I suffered from depression and floundered around in my young adult life, making unwise choices, but that doesn't seem like enough...and that sounds CRAZY! Where did I get this idea? Why do I expect to be punished or experience hardships?
I guess part of it is biblical - where Jesus promises that we will experiences hardships and be rejected and hated by the world, as it hated him.
But I think it's wrong to question if God is going to "cause" these things to happen.
The truth that I am trying to cling to is this: God is always good. And I am always loved.
Psalm 23
4 Even though I walk through the [d]valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
To tell or not to tell..that is the question
7 weeks in
The question on my mind is who and when to announce our pregnancy. At 7 weeks our little one is not yet the size of a blueberry, although I am feeling it full-on. Nausea and queasiness are daily occurrences, today being one of those days I'm feeling it all day long. When Bunny nurses it is quite intense as my nipples are sore and the longer she goes in between nursing the more painful it is. But once she starts in, relief comes quickly. I am determined to allow her to decide when she is done with our breastfeeding journey. Especially now that we are adding another to our family. I want her to feel comforted and secure in whatever way she needs.
Off track a bit - we told family of course and I've share with a few running buddies, knowing they'll look out for me on our runs (although I'm leaning more toward walking through this pregnancy as well). And last night I shared with my bible study group, knowing they've been praying that God would bless us with another child. They were the most excited by far and it was such a blessing to have such dear friends celebrate with exclamations and tears.
Being this early on it does make me a bit nervous to share, and yet we're so excited and even if something happens and we lose the baby, I don't want to go through it alone.
I read that whoever and how many you tell in the first trimester, you should be comfortable informing those same people if the pregnancy ends.
The question on my mind is who and when to announce our pregnancy. At 7 weeks our little one is not yet the size of a blueberry, although I am feeling it full-on. Nausea and queasiness are daily occurrences, today being one of those days I'm feeling it all day long. When Bunny nurses it is quite intense as my nipples are sore and the longer she goes in between nursing the more painful it is. But once she starts in, relief comes quickly. I am determined to allow her to decide when she is done with our breastfeeding journey. Especially now that we are adding another to our family. I want her to feel comforted and secure in whatever way she needs.
Off track a bit - we told family of course and I've share with a few running buddies, knowing they'll look out for me on our runs (although I'm leaning more toward walking through this pregnancy as well). And last night I shared with my bible study group, knowing they've been praying that God would bless us with another child. They were the most excited by far and it was such a blessing to have such dear friends celebrate with exclamations and tears.
Being this early on it does make me a bit nervous to share, and yet we're so excited and even if something happens and we lose the baby, I don't want to go through it alone.
I read that whoever and how many you tell in the first trimester, you should be comfortable informing those same people if the pregnancy ends.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Decisions Decisions
Confirmed lentil bean status - 6 weeks in, 34 (or so) to go!
Today we decided to announce our pregnancy to family members - this included parents and siblings. Hooray! What a relief to share this blessed news with loved ones! Now I can actually talk to a few people about our excitement, how queasy I feel, and so on.
Today was also a big day in that we discussed whether we want a hospital or home birth - Yowza! BIG DECISIONS! Being our last [planned] pregnancy and birth, this is pretty big deal and our last shot. We are both very open to the idea of a home birth, but also nervous. We like the idea, but there are plenty of questions and uncertainties that come with it. The biggest being - what happens in an emergency?!
We're looking into it anyways...
Our first birthing experience was pretty incredible and smooth with zero complications. However there were those annoyances and things we didn't want that had to happen because we gave birth at the hospital. They insisted I have an IV - yuck! Which led to swollen "cankles" afterwards that made me cry (hormones). And there was the nurse when we were first admitted that totally disturbed my focus, insisting that "I" had to be the one to answer a gazillion questions that I had already answered when I pre-registered. Thankfully that woman's shift was almost over and we then had a God-send of a nurse named Toby who helped more than anyone for me to have the natural birth that I wanted.
But there were those other nurses that questioned whether my doctor would "allow" me to deliver the baby in the squatting position that felt most comfortable to me. Crazy ladies. I. didn't. care.
And that silliness of trying to keep that waistband around me to monitor baby's heartbeat while I was moving around, changing positions, trying to twist around in that tangled mess of an IV cord...ah yes. Those memories were not ideal.
The concept of going into labor and not having to worry about traveling anywhere, being able to eat and drink what I want when I want, sleep in my comfortable bed or couch or wherever I feel like it, move around in positions that feel comfortable to me - whether on a giant exercise ball, in a tub, or wherever, and give birth myself, pulling out my baby with my own two hands, having loved ones around me, with the lights on or off, music I want...yep. That sounds good to me! Oh! And in my own comfortable clothes!
Yes there are questions that need to be answered. We'll find out soon enough! Yes, we may end up choosing another hospital birth - annoyances and all, but we'll see!
Other than that I'm feeling about the same. Slept better last night. Trying to decide whether to fore-go my upcoming half-marathon or not. *Sigh* Another decision!
Today we decided to announce our pregnancy to family members - this included parents and siblings. Hooray! What a relief to share this blessed news with loved ones! Now I can actually talk to a few people about our excitement, how queasy I feel, and so on.
Today was also a big day in that we discussed whether we want a hospital or home birth - Yowza! BIG DECISIONS! Being our last [planned] pregnancy and birth, this is pretty big deal and our last shot. We are both very open to the idea of a home birth, but also nervous. We like the idea, but there are plenty of questions and uncertainties that come with it. The biggest being - what happens in an emergency?!
We're looking into it anyways...
Our first birthing experience was pretty incredible and smooth with zero complications. However there were those annoyances and things we didn't want that had to happen because we gave birth at the hospital. They insisted I have an IV - yuck! Which led to swollen "cankles" afterwards that made me cry (hormones). And there was the nurse when we were first admitted that totally disturbed my focus, insisting that "I" had to be the one to answer a gazillion questions that I had already answered when I pre-registered. Thankfully that woman's shift was almost over and we then had a God-send of a nurse named Toby who helped more than anyone for me to have the natural birth that I wanted.
But there were those other nurses that questioned whether my doctor would "allow" me to deliver the baby in the squatting position that felt most comfortable to me. Crazy ladies. I. didn't. care.
And that silliness of trying to keep that waistband around me to monitor baby's heartbeat while I was moving around, changing positions, trying to twist around in that tangled mess of an IV cord...ah yes. Those memories were not ideal.
The concept of going into labor and not having to worry about traveling anywhere, being able to eat and drink what I want when I want, sleep in my comfortable bed or couch or wherever I feel like it, move around in positions that feel comfortable to me - whether on a giant exercise ball, in a tub, or wherever, and give birth myself, pulling out my baby with my own two hands, having loved ones around me, with the lights on or off, music I want...yep. That sounds good to me! Oh! And in my own comfortable clothes!
Yes there are questions that need to be answered. We'll find out soon enough! Yes, we may end up choosing another hospital birth - annoyances and all, but we'll see!
Other than that I'm feeling about the same. Slept better last night. Trying to decide whether to fore-go my upcoming half-marathon or not. *Sigh* Another decision!
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