Here's our 31 month old daughter holding up a blueberry to my tummy at 7 weeks. She's so excited!
Nausea has become a bittersweet companion during these last few weeks. Over the past few days however the lovely term "bionic fatigue" joined in on the party. This is a crippling tiredness where you cannot bear to keep your eyes open and your body just shuts down in sleep. Over the weekend it worked out okay as my loving and supportive husband took our daughter out for awhile and gave me the blessed gift of a nap! It was wonderful and totally altered my outlook on life. They returned to a refreshed and rejuvenated mama - oh how I needed that uninterrupted rest!
Yesterday however our daughter decided to boycott her nap for the day...right when I desperately needed one! I do believe I snuck in a few minutes of shut-eye when I turned on a movie for her, but of course she was in my face every few minutes trying to awaken me with "true loves kisses." Not quite the same.
Last night we all headed to bed early and this morning I woke somewhat rested - as much as one can be when they are awoken at least 3 times during the night by a toddler. And yet my bittersweet friend was nowhere to be found.
I ate a banana, took my vitamins with orange juice, which usually triggers the queasy feeling...and nothing.
So admittedly I started freaking out. Have I had any cramping? No. Any bleeding? No. Other than my incredibly sore nipples when my daughter nursed this morning, I felt normal. Which scares the life out of me.
I made eggs for myself and ate them without any aversions. I made my daughter an egg and a hot dog. Feeling completely normal.
So I started crying. Crying and praying and asking for prayer. I realize that I have a deep-seeded fear that I am going to lose this baby. Or that something major will be wrong with this baby. As much as I seem fine and happy on the surface, deep down I'm fearful. There are these voices in my head telling me that I don't deserve another healthy child. That those who love God and follow after Him will encounter hardships and I guess I'm just waiting for the anvil to drop.
When is it my turn? When will I be struck with miscarriage or infertility or cancer or death of someone close to me? Yes I had a somewhat difficult childhood and my parents divorced. I suffered from depression and floundered around in my young adult life, making unwise choices, but that doesn't seem like enough...and that sounds CRAZY! Where did I get this idea? Why do I expect to be punished or experience hardships?
I guess part of it is biblical - where Jesus promises that we will experiences hardships and be rejected and hated by the world, as it hated him.
But I think it's wrong to question if God is going to "cause" these things to happen.
The truth that I am trying to cling to is this: God is always good. And I am always loved.
Psalm 23
4 Even though I walk through the [d]valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
I fear no [e]evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You [f]have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows.
6 [g]Surely goodness and lovingkindness will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will [h]dwell in the house of the Lord [i]forever.
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