We have arrived...

Today we have arrived at the second of the estimated due dates!
Today is the date we've been going by according to my last menstrual period.
Yesterday was the date estimated by the first ultrasound.
Two days from now will be the final estimated date according to our most recent ultrasound in our third trimester.
So, here we are. And baby girl just wants to keep on keeping on in there!
I had my appointment with my midwife today and all looks good. She has dropped since last week, which is a good sign. Blood pressure, weight gain, heartbeat - all is good. Just waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.
My midwife is hopeful that she'll be here before we hit 41 weeks next Thursday, so that at least narrows it down a bit.
Been feeling lots of pressure today and baby is moving around consistently.
I didn't get a nap today so will probably go and rest before hubby gets home.
It's all in God's hands and I'm continually surrendering to His will and His timing. 

Birthing in the rain?

So it sounds a bit funny but my ideal birth this time around would be when it is raining.
And here in our town it's rare.
However, today the weather seems to have changed! There is now a chance of rain tonight or tomorrow morning! Oh how amazing it would be to have the windows open, listening to the sound and smelling the rain while giving birth! That would be a gift straight from Jesus!
We'll see what happens with timing and weather and all, but for now it's looking good!
Today has included more happenings, with waves while walking to and from the park this morning, light waves while walking around the house while doing dishes, folding laundry and such.
I did listen to my birthing day track while napping today, which felt like I was opening up more, so we'll see!
After last night's hour and a half of waves, which ended when I went to bed, I texted my midwife today to see when exactly she wants to hear from me. She replied that she'll head over when waves are 4 minutes apart regardless of what I'm doing - sitting on the ball, walking, laying down, etc. They need to be intense and consistent. Which was VERY helpful to hear! It did help me recall my first birthing experience when I had to turn off and focus with each wave when I was simply lying in bed, needing to hold on to my husband when I was walking and so on.
These waves are not that intense yet, so we'll wait and see when the time comes!
Please Jesus let it rain!  ;)

Pre-birthing time

Sunday afternoon/evening included some pre-birthing waves that increased in intensity....until I got into the bathtub. Then all came to a halt. At least I was able to get some good sleep last night!
Today (Monday) was a pretty easy day as well. Not much happened until around 3:30pm when I listened to my Easy First Stage track on my iPod. That started some birthing waves pretty intensely for about an hour. On and off this evening until about 8pm when they started back up. Every 10 minutes lasting about a minute. But now they are down to every 5 minutes lasting for about 2 minutes. I am sitting on my birthing ball. Not sure if they'll continue when I get up and move around though...
Just thought I'd document the happenings.
I am eager to meet my daughter and hold her in my arms....and not carry around a 10 pound ball on my front side. hehe

Conflict of emotions

What happens when you cross an exhausted mama 39 weeks pregnant high on emotions with a tired 3 year old high on emotions? Conflict.
I'm crying out to God - I don't know if I can do this thing called motherhood.
I'm afraid I'm damaging my daughter.
Today I lost it. I screamed at her. I had to leave her so I wouldn't do or say something I'd regret.
And she just came after me, crying hysterically and screaming and what did she want? She wanted me.
She just wanted me to come and lay down with her.
I didn't. I couldn't. After laying with her for over an hour trying to get a nap out of her and get a much needed one myself, I just couldn't. And now I regret it.
She's upstairs asleep after passing out from sheer exhaustion and emotions I'm sure.
And I'm downstairs crying because I feel like I'm a terrible mother.
Can I do this? Really? And another one can arrive any day now? How do I do this?
God! She's your creation and I just screamed at her. The way my mother screamed at me countless times. I don't want to be this mother.
I want to escape. And I'm trying so hard not to escape.
Parenting isn't for wimps. I'm feeling pretty wimpy right now.
When that baby is born you have no idea how hard it's going to be. Hard labor? That's nothing compared to what's ahead.
Perseverance. Just breathe. Just take it one moment at a time. Draw close to God. He made her. He made me. He knows.
Like the first bible verse she's memorized: God is with you wherever you go.
God is with me. Every day. Every moment. Even this one.
Please forgive me. Help me start over.
Your mercies are new every.single.morning. Every.single.moment.

Single digit countdown

We are 9 days from our due date! Not that baby girl is on the same schedule as us of course, but it's still exciting to be in our final days as a family of three!
So what are we up to? Slowing down, checking tasks off of lists & trying to keep just busy enough so we don't go stir-crazy waiting.
Today Camille & I had our final mommy-daughter date that included pedicures, storytime at the library and lunch. I'm so glad we got some special time for just the two of us. At home we're having plenty of cuddle time, napping together and slowly preparing for baby sister to arrive.
I've been having pre-birthing waves come and go. They are definitely more intense when I'm up and walking around. Daphne is moving lower and causing lots of pressure on my pubis-symphysis. It's separating and just wow. Lots of stretching.
Waves feel like cramping and it's hard to differentiate between pressure from Daphne's strong movements. Girl likes to stretch out as much as she can!
Camille has taken up nursing at least three times a day now - typically around waking up and going to sleep.
It's been a tricky journey of breastfeeding through pregnancy but as we approach our 39 week mark in just 2 days I feel so happy and confident that we've made it!
I'm glad we got to capture some photos before the baby arrives. Looking forward to tandem nursing my two daughters in a week or so!