For my birthday weekend I wanted to go and have our 3D Ultrasound and learn the gender of our baby on the way. So yesterday we made the trek and found out within seconds that we are having another little girl!
I'm not going to lie or pretend that I was overjoyed. Honestly I was surprised - for some reason I was so certain that we were having a boy. I guess it was mostly due to others suggesting it in addition to this pregnancy being different in so many ways - from the way this baby sits so low, to the active movement, to the differences in symptoms.
So it was a slight shock and some disappointment to hear that it's another girl.
We know that we only want two children (of course God can change our plans, but for now that's where we are). So this was kind of our last shot at having one child of each gender. I thought it would be fun to have a son, not only for my husband who is such an avid outdoorsman with all the hunting and fishing (which he can do with girls of course, but it is a little different), but also for myself! I've heard how special the mother-son bond can be and dreamed of taking him on dates just like my husband takes our daughter on dates which make her feel so special. I put a lot of hope in the possibility of having a boy and didn't think too much what it would be like to have two girls.
So I walked out a bit dazed. My husband and daughter were both very excited. My daughter said "now there will be two Camille's!" which was adorable and overwhelming to process at the same time!
I had some joy, thinking of my little princess bumping around in there, and some worry and fear and disappointment.
So when we went to the car and a drink was spilled I burst into tears. Hormones on top of all of these emotions will result in that you know!
My sweet husband was reassuring me and offering to take me to lunch anywhere I wanted to go, but I couldn't get my crying under control. My daughter was sweetly asking me a question from the backseat and I couldn't answer her.
I was mourning the loss of a dream. Which is often more difficult to let go of than reality.
I had figured that so many of my friends had either multiple daughters or multiple sons, so probability was on my side of having different genders.
I had figured that since my husband's father had two sons and both aunts on my maternal and paternal side had only boys, our odds were good.
All this reasoning and rationalizing were conversations I have been having with God for months leading up to this day. Begging God for a son. It was kind of obsessive now that I look at it and admit it openly. Again it was a dream and a hope.
So now I'm going to be a mother of two daughters.
And I told my husband between my tears that, in all gut-wrenching honesty, it scares me to raise two daughters. {and..my tears have returned...}
Perhaps I thought a son would be my sanity in those teen years when my daughter's hormones and emotions are out of control. He would be our sense of reason, as my husband is with me when I get a little moody.
But when it comes down to it, two fears are present when I consider this task ahead of me.
First, my own mother was not what I hoped or expected. I do not wish to dishonor her in any way, but the truth is that she was not there for me in the way I needed. I had to learn things like how to deal with boys and menstruation on my own or from friends.
My mother worked hard so that we could go to private school, which truly was a gift, but as a daughter it was not what I needed.
My father gave us so much and essentially raised four kids on his own, but there are certain things a girl needs from her mother.
All that to say, my examples were slim.
I feel like today, as a 31 year old woman I am
still learning how to become a woman! I am still learning about things like how to apply make-up, how to dress for my body and how to feel comfortable in it and be in tune with what a healthy body feels like. And more importantly I'm learning (and have
much to learn yet) about how to be the woman that God created me to be. Brave and beautiful, strong, confident, humble, gentle, walking in the Spirit daily, leaning & trusting on His leading....let's just say I have a long way to go!
SO to have not one, but
two daughters to raise to become women who follow Jesus while I am still learning how to be a woman myself, messing up daily - it's a daunting challenge that scares me!
Now that I've had time to let it sink it (although it still is!) I'm remembering that I can trust the God who made the universe, who holds time in His hands, and who formed me, my husband, my daughter, and is forming this daughter inside me as I write this. He has a plan that is SO much better than mine. He knows what I need. What my husband needs. What my daughters need.
And so I am resting in His promises. He has plans to prosper my future, not to harm me.
I have a sister of my own and truly, my relationship with her is different than that with my two brothers. I have a sister-in-law, step-sister and step-brother and each relationship is so unique and different.
I do agree that there is nothing like having a sister. When my sister was born I was so excited! I remember feeling like I would have a little real-life doll to dress-up, play Barbies with and play pretend. And boy did my sister surprise me! Sure, she played dolls with me but she grew up to be a bit more of a tom-boy than I preferred. Haha
Then when she wanted to be around me and hang out with me, I was too busy being mature with my friends and didn't want my little sister following me around!
As we grew up and I prepared to leave for Australia our relationship changed again. I spoke with her more than anyone while I was away for those ten months. She mailed me burned CDs with songs saying how she missed me and she was there at the airport when I returned home. She has become my dearest friend and I feel something is missing if we don't talk weekly. She has been such an amazing aunt to my daughter and they Skype video call more than with anyone else. I so love my sister and I am so glad that my Bunny will have a sister!
So, I am turning a corner. I am excited and nervous to have two girls in the house (three for my husband!) and I know that God will walk with me through it all. I'll be pondering all the benefits of having two girls and be a bit thankful I won't have to decide whether to circumcise or not and manage not to get sprayed while changing the diapers of a boy. ;)
