Sunday afternoon/evening included some pre-birthing waves that increased in intensity....until I got into the bathtub. Then all came to a halt. At least I was able to get some good sleep last night!
Today (Monday) was a pretty easy day as well. Not much happened until around 3:30pm when I listened to my Easy First Stage track on my iPod. That started some birthing waves pretty intensely for about an hour. On and off this evening until about 8pm when they started back up. Every 10 minutes lasting about a minute. But now they are down to every 5 minutes lasting for about 2 minutes. I am sitting on my birthing ball. Not sure if they'll continue when I get up and move around though...
Just thought I'd document the happenings.
I am eager to meet my daughter and hold her in my arms....and not carry around a 10 pound ball on my front side. hehe
Monday, October 13, 2014
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Conflict of emotions
What happens when you cross an exhausted mama 39 weeks pregnant high on emotions with a tired 3 year old high on emotions? Conflict.
I'm crying out to God - I don't know if I can do this thing called motherhood.
I'm afraid I'm damaging my daughter.
Today I lost it. I screamed at her. I had to leave her so I wouldn't do or say something I'd regret.
And she just came after me, crying hysterically and screaming and what did she want? She wanted me.
She just wanted me to come and lay down with her.
I didn't. I couldn't. After laying with her for over an hour trying to get a nap out of her and get a much needed one myself, I just couldn't. And now I regret it.
She's upstairs asleep after passing out from sheer exhaustion and emotions I'm sure.
And I'm downstairs crying because I feel like I'm a terrible mother.
Can I do this? Really? And another one can arrive any day now? How do I do this?
God! She's your creation and I just screamed at her. The way my mother screamed at me countless times. I don't want to be this mother.
I want to escape. And I'm trying so hard not to escape.
Parenting isn't for wimps. I'm feeling pretty wimpy right now.
When that baby is born you have no idea how hard it's going to be. Hard labor? That's nothing compared to what's ahead.
Perseverance. Just breathe. Just take it one moment at a time. Draw close to God. He made her. He made me. He knows.
Like the first bible verse she's memorized: God is with you wherever you go.
God is with me. Every day. Every moment. Even this one.
Please forgive me. Help me start over.
Your mercies are new every.single.morning. Every.single.moment.
I'm crying out to God - I don't know if I can do this thing called motherhood.
I'm afraid I'm damaging my daughter.
Today I lost it. I screamed at her. I had to leave her so I wouldn't do or say something I'd regret.
And she just came after me, crying hysterically and screaming and what did she want? She wanted me.
She just wanted me to come and lay down with her.
I didn't. I couldn't. After laying with her for over an hour trying to get a nap out of her and get a much needed one myself, I just couldn't. And now I regret it.
She's upstairs asleep after passing out from sheer exhaustion and emotions I'm sure.
And I'm downstairs crying because I feel like I'm a terrible mother.
Can I do this? Really? And another one can arrive any day now? How do I do this?
God! She's your creation and I just screamed at her. The way my mother screamed at me countless times. I don't want to be this mother.
I want to escape. And I'm trying so hard not to escape.
Parenting isn't for wimps. I'm feeling pretty wimpy right now.
When that baby is born you have no idea how hard it's going to be. Hard labor? That's nothing compared to what's ahead.
Perseverance. Just breathe. Just take it one moment at a time. Draw close to God. He made her. He made me. He knows.
Like the first bible verse she's memorized: God is with you wherever you go.
God is with me. Every day. Every moment. Even this one.
Please forgive me. Help me start over.
Your mercies are new every.single.morning. Every.single.moment.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Single digit countdown
We are 9 days from our due date! Not that baby girl is on the same schedule as us of course, but it's still exciting to be in our final days as a family of three!
So what are we up to? Slowing down, checking tasks off of lists & trying to keep just busy enough so we don't go stir-crazy waiting.
Today Camille & I had our final mommy-daughter date that included pedicures, storytime at the library and lunch. I'm so glad we got some special time for just the two of us. At home we're having plenty of cuddle time, napping together and slowly preparing for baby sister to arrive.
I've been having pre-birthing waves come and go. They are definitely more intense when I'm up and walking around. Daphne is moving lower and causing lots of pressure on my pubis-symphysis. It's separating and just wow. Lots of stretching.
Waves feel like cramping and it's hard to differentiate between pressure from Daphne's strong movements. Girl likes to stretch out as much as she can!
Camille has taken up nursing at least three times a day now - typically around waking up and going to sleep.
It's been a tricky journey of breastfeeding through pregnancy but as we approach our 39 week mark in just 2 days I feel so happy and confident that we've made it!
I'm glad we got to capture some photos before the baby arrives. Looking forward to tandem nursing my two daughters in a week or so!
So what are we up to? Slowing down, checking tasks off of lists & trying to keep just busy enough so we don't go stir-crazy waiting.
Today Camille & I had our final mommy-daughter date that included pedicures, storytime at the library and lunch. I'm so glad we got some special time for just the two of us. At home we're having plenty of cuddle time, napping together and slowly preparing for baby sister to arrive.
I've been having pre-birthing waves come and go. They are definitely more intense when I'm up and walking around. Daphne is moving lower and causing lots of pressure on my pubis-symphysis. It's separating and just wow. Lots of stretching.
Waves feel like cramping and it's hard to differentiate between pressure from Daphne's strong movements. Girl likes to stretch out as much as she can!
Camille has taken up nursing at least three times a day now - typically around waking up and going to sleep.
It's been a tricky journey of breastfeeding through pregnancy but as we approach our 39 week mark in just 2 days I feel so happy and confident that we've made it!
I'm glad we got to capture some photos before the baby arrives. Looking forward to tandem nursing my two daughters in a week or so!
Monday, August 25, 2014
Slower days and finishing strong...
Today I'm thankful for a slower day.
Our mornings have been beginning beautifully. My 3 year old climbs into bed when the sun comes up for a cuddle and asks for milkies. Now that my colostrum has come in she's enjoying nursing a few times a day once again. This cuddle time allows me to rest and awaken fully in a slow manner - which I cherish. I know my days of snuggling alone with her are numbered.
She asks to get dressed and go downstairs for "dinner" or "snacks" known to me as breakfast.
We get dressed and head downstairs where I make breakfast. This morning it was leftover barbecued zucchini with sauteed mushrooms and scrambled eggs and a piece of fruit. She asked for almond milk and I made myself a hot mug of chamomile tea. Along with my gazillion vitamins and water.
We sit at the table together and I read a Psalm and then she asks me to read from her storybook Bible. Today we read about God's promise to Abraham and Sarah that He would save the world through his family.
She told me her first memorized Bible verse from Romans: "Nothing can separate us from God's love."
And we sketched a list of things to do today.
We went into the backyard and did some gardening. Also known as pulling weeds - which is so much of gardening truly! Ugh - I despise weeds.
But getting down into the dirt, seeing the many insects that live and thrive in that rich soil, breathing the fresh air, thankful for the cloud cover keeping us cool, my daughter rolling in the grass and the quiet morning before all the air conditioning units disturb the silence, felt satisfying.
We came back inside and among the laundry, my little one painting with dot markers, wanting to trace, doing dishes and planning our dinner, I'm appreciating this slow day.
For lunch we had avocados, sausages, fruit and felt rejuvenated.
And I thought about how I want to finish this pregnancy strong. With just over 7 weeks (or so) to go, I want the foods I consume to nourish this rapidly growing baby. I want to cherish the time that I have alone with my 3 year old. I want to date my husband while it's a bit easier. And I want to appreciate these days where I'm tired but not so tired. These warm & beautiful final days of summer that I'll be wishing for in the cold of winter.
I want to finish strong.
And so I prepare for our September Whole 30 and prepare to share it with you, as a breastfeeding, pregnant mama entering the new routine of autumn. It can be done and the result will strengthen me, my family and this baby.
Our mornings have been beginning beautifully. My 3 year old climbs into bed when the sun comes up for a cuddle and asks for milkies. Now that my colostrum has come in she's enjoying nursing a few times a day once again. This cuddle time allows me to rest and awaken fully in a slow manner - which I cherish. I know my days of snuggling alone with her are numbered.
She asks to get dressed and go downstairs for "dinner" or "snacks" known to me as breakfast.
We get dressed and head downstairs where I make breakfast. This morning it was leftover barbecued zucchini with sauteed mushrooms and scrambled eggs and a piece of fruit. She asked for almond milk and I made myself a hot mug of chamomile tea. Along with my gazillion vitamins and water.
We sit at the table together and I read a Psalm and then she asks me to read from her storybook Bible. Today we read about God's promise to Abraham and Sarah that He would save the world through his family.
She told me her first memorized Bible verse from Romans: "Nothing can separate us from God's love."
And we sketched a list of things to do today.
We went into the backyard and did some gardening. Also known as pulling weeds - which is so much of gardening truly! Ugh - I despise weeds.
But getting down into the dirt, seeing the many insects that live and thrive in that rich soil, breathing the fresh air, thankful for the cloud cover keeping us cool, my daughter rolling in the grass and the quiet morning before all the air conditioning units disturb the silence, felt satisfying.
We came back inside and among the laundry, my little one painting with dot markers, wanting to trace, doing dishes and planning our dinner, I'm appreciating this slow day.
For lunch we had avocados, sausages, fruit and felt rejuvenated.
And I thought about how I want to finish this pregnancy strong. With just over 7 weeks (or so) to go, I want the foods I consume to nourish this rapidly growing baby. I want to cherish the time that I have alone with my 3 year old. I want to date my husband while it's a bit easier. And I want to appreciate these days where I'm tired but not so tired. These warm & beautiful final days of summer that I'll be wishing for in the cold of winter.
I want to finish strong.
And so I prepare for our September Whole 30 and prepare to share it with you, as a breastfeeding, pregnant mama entering the new routine of autumn. It can be done and the result will strengthen me, my family and this baby.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Growing Up Girls
For my birthday weekend I wanted to go and have our 3D Ultrasound and learn the gender of our baby on the way. So yesterday we made the trek and found out within seconds that we are having another little girl!
I'm not going to lie or pretend that I was overjoyed. Honestly I was surprised - for some reason I was so certain that we were having a boy. I guess it was mostly due to others suggesting it in addition to this pregnancy being different in so many ways - from the way this baby sits so low, to the active movement, to the differences in symptoms.
So it was a slight shock and some disappointment to hear that it's another girl.
We know that we only want two children (of course God can change our plans, but for now that's where we are). So this was kind of our last shot at having one child of each gender. I thought it would be fun to have a son, not only for my husband who is such an avid outdoorsman with all the hunting and fishing (which he can do with girls of course, but it is a little different), but also for myself! I've heard how special the mother-son bond can be and dreamed of taking him on dates just like my husband takes our daughter on dates which make her feel so special. I put a lot of hope in the possibility of having a boy and didn't think too much what it would be like to have two girls.
So I walked out a bit dazed. My husband and daughter were both very excited. My daughter said "now there will be two Camille's!" which was adorable and overwhelming to process at the same time!
I had some joy, thinking of my little princess bumping around in there, and some worry and fear and disappointment.
So when we went to the car and a drink was spilled I burst into tears. Hormones on top of all of these emotions will result in that you know!
My sweet husband was reassuring me and offering to take me to lunch anywhere I wanted to go, but I couldn't get my crying under control. My daughter was sweetly asking me a question from the backseat and I couldn't answer her.
I was mourning the loss of a dream. Which is often more difficult to let go of than reality.
I had figured that so many of my friends had either multiple daughters or multiple sons, so probability was on my side of having different genders.
I had figured that since my husband's father had two sons and both aunts on my maternal and paternal side had only boys, our odds were good.
All this reasoning and rationalizing were conversations I have been having with God for months leading up to this day. Begging God for a son. It was kind of obsessive now that I look at it and admit it openly. Again it was a dream and a hope.
So now I'm going to be a mother of two daughters.
And I told my husband between my tears that, in all gut-wrenching honesty, it scares me to raise two daughters. {and..my tears have returned...}
Perhaps I thought a son would be my sanity in those teen years when my daughter's hormones and emotions are out of control. He would be our sense of reason, as my husband is with me when I get a little moody.
But when it comes down to it, two fears are present when I consider this task ahead of me.
First, my own mother was not what I hoped or expected. I do not wish to dishonor her in any way, but the truth is that she was not there for me in the way I needed. I had to learn things like how to deal with boys and menstruation on my own or from friends.
My mother worked hard so that we could go to private school, which truly was a gift, but as a daughter it was not what I needed.
My father gave us so much and essentially raised four kids on his own, but there are certain things a girl needs from her mother.
All that to say, my examples were slim.
I feel like today, as a 31 year old woman I am still learning how to become a woman! I am still learning about things like how to apply make-up, how to dress for my body and how to feel comfortable in it and be in tune with what a healthy body feels like. And more importantly I'm learning (and have much to learn yet) about how to be the woman that God created me to be. Brave and beautiful, strong, confident, humble, gentle, walking in the Spirit daily, leaning & trusting on His leading....let's just say I have a long way to go!
SO to have not one, but two daughters to raise to become women who follow Jesus while I am still learning how to be a woman myself, messing up daily - it's a daunting challenge that scares me!
Now that I've had time to let it sink it (although it still is!) I'm remembering that I can trust the God who made the universe, who holds time in His hands, and who formed me, my husband, my daughter, and is forming this daughter inside me as I write this. He has a plan that is SO much better than mine. He knows what I need. What my husband needs. What my daughters need.
And so I am resting in His promises. He has plans to prosper my future, not to harm me.
I have a sister of my own and truly, my relationship with her is different than that with my two brothers. I have a sister-in-law, step-sister and step-brother and each relationship is so unique and different.
I do agree that there is nothing like having a sister. When my sister was born I was so excited! I remember feeling like I would have a little real-life doll to dress-up, play Barbies with and play pretend. And boy did my sister surprise me! Sure, she played dolls with me but she grew up to be a bit more of a tom-boy than I preferred. Haha
Then when she wanted to be around me and hang out with me, I was too busy being mature with my friends and didn't want my little sister following me around!
As we grew up and I prepared to leave for Australia our relationship changed again. I spoke with her more than anyone while I was away for those ten months. She mailed me burned CDs with songs saying how she missed me and she was there at the airport when I returned home. She has become my dearest friend and I feel something is missing if we don't talk weekly. She has been such an amazing aunt to my daughter and they Skype video call more than with anyone else. I so love my sister and I am so glad that my Bunny will have a sister!
So, I am turning a corner. I am excited and nervous to have two girls in the house (three for my husband!) and I know that God will walk with me through it all. I'll be pondering all the benefits of having two girls and be a bit thankful I won't have to decide whether to circumcise or not and manage not to get sprayed while changing the diapers of a boy. ;)
I'm not going to lie or pretend that I was overjoyed. Honestly I was surprised - for some reason I was so certain that we were having a boy. I guess it was mostly due to others suggesting it in addition to this pregnancy being different in so many ways - from the way this baby sits so low, to the active movement, to the differences in symptoms.
So it was a slight shock and some disappointment to hear that it's another girl.
We know that we only want two children (of course God can change our plans, but for now that's where we are). So this was kind of our last shot at having one child of each gender. I thought it would be fun to have a son, not only for my husband who is such an avid outdoorsman with all the hunting and fishing (which he can do with girls of course, but it is a little different), but also for myself! I've heard how special the mother-son bond can be and dreamed of taking him on dates just like my husband takes our daughter on dates which make her feel so special. I put a lot of hope in the possibility of having a boy and didn't think too much what it would be like to have two girls.
So I walked out a bit dazed. My husband and daughter were both very excited. My daughter said "now there will be two Camille's!" which was adorable and overwhelming to process at the same time!
I had some joy, thinking of my little princess bumping around in there, and some worry and fear and disappointment.
So when we went to the car and a drink was spilled I burst into tears. Hormones on top of all of these emotions will result in that you know!
My sweet husband was reassuring me and offering to take me to lunch anywhere I wanted to go, but I couldn't get my crying under control. My daughter was sweetly asking me a question from the backseat and I couldn't answer her.
I was mourning the loss of a dream. Which is often more difficult to let go of than reality.
I had figured that so many of my friends had either multiple daughters or multiple sons, so probability was on my side of having different genders.
I had figured that since my husband's father had two sons and both aunts on my maternal and paternal side had only boys, our odds were good.
All this reasoning and rationalizing were conversations I have been having with God for months leading up to this day. Begging God for a son. It was kind of obsessive now that I look at it and admit it openly. Again it was a dream and a hope.
So now I'm going to be a mother of two daughters.
And I told my husband between my tears that, in all gut-wrenching honesty, it scares me to raise two daughters. {and..my tears have returned...}
Perhaps I thought a son would be my sanity in those teen years when my daughter's hormones and emotions are out of control. He would be our sense of reason, as my husband is with me when I get a little moody.
But when it comes down to it, two fears are present when I consider this task ahead of me.
First, my own mother was not what I hoped or expected. I do not wish to dishonor her in any way, but the truth is that she was not there for me in the way I needed. I had to learn things like how to deal with boys and menstruation on my own or from friends.
My mother worked hard so that we could go to private school, which truly was a gift, but as a daughter it was not what I needed.
My father gave us so much and essentially raised four kids on his own, but there are certain things a girl needs from her mother.
All that to say, my examples were slim.
I feel like today, as a 31 year old woman I am still learning how to become a woman! I am still learning about things like how to apply make-up, how to dress for my body and how to feel comfortable in it and be in tune with what a healthy body feels like. And more importantly I'm learning (and have much to learn yet) about how to be the woman that God created me to be. Brave and beautiful, strong, confident, humble, gentle, walking in the Spirit daily, leaning & trusting on His leading....let's just say I have a long way to go!
SO to have not one, but two daughters to raise to become women who follow Jesus while I am still learning how to be a woman myself, messing up daily - it's a daunting challenge that scares me!
Now that I've had time to let it sink it (although it still is!) I'm remembering that I can trust the God who made the universe, who holds time in His hands, and who formed me, my husband, my daughter, and is forming this daughter inside me as I write this. He has a plan that is SO much better than mine. He knows what I need. What my husband needs. What my daughters need.
And so I am resting in His promises. He has plans to prosper my future, not to harm me.
I have a sister of my own and truly, my relationship with her is different than that with my two brothers. I have a sister-in-law, step-sister and step-brother and each relationship is so unique and different.
I do agree that there is nothing like having a sister. When my sister was born I was so excited! I remember feeling like I would have a little real-life doll to dress-up, play Barbies with and play pretend. And boy did my sister surprise me! Sure, she played dolls with me but she grew up to be a bit more of a tom-boy than I preferred. Haha
Then when she wanted to be around me and hang out with me, I was too busy being mature with my friends and didn't want my little sister following me around!
As we grew up and I prepared to leave for Australia our relationship changed again. I spoke with her more than anyone while I was away for those ten months. She mailed me burned CDs with songs saying how she missed me and she was there at the airport when I returned home. She has become my dearest friend and I feel something is missing if we don't talk weekly. She has been such an amazing aunt to my daughter and they Skype video call more than with anyone else. I so love my sister and I am so glad that my Bunny will have a sister!
So, I am turning a corner. I am excited and nervous to have two girls in the house (three for my husband!) and I know that God will walk with me through it all. I'll be pondering all the benefits of having two girls and be a bit thankful I won't have to decide whether to circumcise or not and manage not to get sprayed while changing the diapers of a boy. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)